Jokes thread

[Oolon Colluphid]

I always liked it when a forum had a thread specifically for posting jokes, so I thought I'd start one here.....

Since it's a political forum, I'm going to start with one political in nature that our friends on the right would like.

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Bush asks him, "George, what is the best thing I can do to help the country?"


"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises and then fades away.


The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"


"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises and dims from sight.


The third night sleep is still not in the cards for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, what is the best thing I can do for the country?"


"Help the less fortunate, just as I did" FDR replies and fades into the mist. Bush isn't sleeping at all the fourth night, when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"


Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."

[Lester]

Not really political, but heres another tv lawyer Denny Crane joke.

"There was this guy who died, and he went up to heaven and saw St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, as St. Peter shows him around the guy sees someone in a suit making a closing argument, and he asks St. Peter, 'Hey Peter, whose that over there?', St. Peter replies, 'Oh, thats just God, thinks he's Denny Crane'"

[Spider Jerusalem]

How do you tell a democrat from a republican?

Get someone to be drowning a hundred feet away.

The republican will search for a 50ft rope, throw it toward the drowning person, hold tight on his hand and yell "swim for it!"

The democrat will search for a 100ft rope, throw it toward the drowning person, and let go of his hand to go off and do some other good deed.

[Oolon Colluphid]

[jusdeadphunky]

?: why did the peanut go to the police station?


a: because it was asalted.

[JesusLopezViejo]

[jusdeadphunky]

[Oolon Colluphid]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl ws filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist:
"Miss Beatrice," he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

[Mike]

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"

The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini, please."

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.

The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered, "Oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity,' 'interstellar space travel,' 'the latest medical break-throughs,' etc.......

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tack. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have.

"A martini, please."

Again it was superb. The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?"

This time the man answered , "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Astros to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"??

This time the man drawled out, "Uh..... bout 50".

The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked ,

"A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e g-o-i-n-g t-o n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?

[Guido]

[Oolon Colluphid]

"A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e g-o-i-n-g t-o n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?

LOL

[exton]

There are two muffins cooking in the oven, and one muffin says:
"Gee, sure is hot in here!"

So the other muffin turns around and goes "Oh my god! A talking muffin!!"

[Lester]

Due to the utter horridness of extons joke, I feel justified in giving more horrid jokes.

What did one wall say to the other?

Meet you at the corner.

Two men walk into a bar.

The third one ducks.

Two ants walk into the bar, one says to the other;

"Is the bar tender here?"

The barman sees the ants come in and says;

"What wood you like?"

Whats the difference between a nightwatchmen and a butcher?

One stays awake the other weighs a steak.

[Oolon Colluphid]

[Oolon Colluphid]

A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."