Jokes thread

[Some Chick]

Why did the blonde snort Splenda?

Because she thought it was Diet Coke!

I tried to snort Coke once,

But the ice cubes wouldn't fit in my nose.

[Just Me]

This pagan dies and goes to heaven, He gets there and is greeted my St. Peter. The pagan asks St. peter where he is? St. peter says you in heaven, the pagan says I cant be in heave because I don't believe in heaven or hell.. St.peter says you are a pagan aren't you? the pagan says yes I am.. st.peter says well you do not belong here so follow this road and it will take you to hell. the pagan says but I dont believe in hell! so he went walking down the road and came to this sign that says welcome to hell.. He kept walking and came across this man and stoped and asked him who he was and if this was really hell. The man says yes this is hell and I am satan. The man says but it doesn't look like everyone talked about, its so pretty here.. Satan then told the pagan that if he walked that way through those trees over the green hills passed the animals grazing in the meadow, he will come to a lake where more pagans are gathered with several tables of food, and dancing and music. then all of a sudden the sky turned black the ground started shaking, thunder starting blasting through the sky, and he heard this awful scream. He noticed the screaming was getting closer and the ground started opening and he watched a man fall from the sky into the ground where it had split and the ground closed back up and the skys cleared up and everything was back to normal. The pagan looked at satan and said WTF was that? I almost shit in my pants!! satan looked at the pagan and said well we all you how the christians are and they will not have it any other way....

[jusdeadphunky]

ONLY 130 PEOPLE ON MYSPACE CAN READ THIS, CAN YOU?

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch by GOOFYAUCTIONS.COM, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer are in the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs rpsoet it.

ONLY REPOST IF YOU CAN READ THIS!!!...Udtpae the nbuemr(at the top) boefer ropesntig

[Just Me]

[Oolon Colluphid]

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'"

[jusdeadphunky]

cheezey pick up line:

cheeze-ball:
do you know how much a polar bear weighs?

hot young lady:
uhm...maybe ton?...i don't know.

cheeze-ball:
enough to break the ice!

[Lester]

worse pick-up line:

I can scratch your belly from the inside!

[jusdeadphunky]

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no brains and no spine, and the head and the rear end are interchangeable."

[brandal]

i once knew a tranny who only wanted to eat,drink and be Mary

[Mike]

Two things United States Marines are always taught:
1. Keep your priorities in order.
2. Know when to act without hesitation.

A college professor, avowed atheist and active member of the A.C.L.U., was teaching his college class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated that once and for all he was going to prove that there was no God.

Addressing the ceiling he shouted:"GOD, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes!!!!!"

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.. Ten minutes went by. "I'm waiting God, if you're real, knock me off this platform!!!"

Again after four minutes, the professor taunted God saying, "Here I am, God-!! I'm still waiting!!!"

His count down got down to the last couple minutes when a Marine, who was just released from the USMC, after serving in Afghanistan and Iraq and had newly registered for the class, walked up to the Professor.

The Marine hit him full force in the face. This sent the Professor tumbling from his platform. The Professor was out cold.

The students were stunned and shocked.They began to babble in confusion.

The Marine nonchalantly took his seat in the front row and sat in silence. The class looked at him and fell silent also ..waiting.

Eventually, the professor came to and was noticeably shaken. He looked at the Marine in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak, he asked:"What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine said, "God was really busy, protecting America's soldiers, who are protecting your right to say stupid things and act like an ass. So, He sent me."

[Lester]

That wouldn't really prove there is no god though...

[jusdeadphunky]

[exton]

Yeah it's...not particularly funny. And demeaning to marines; i don't know any marines who are that stupid and brutish.

[Mike]